Begin again

I will begin again as a woman confident in her own skin and her own mind. When I looked in the mirror the other day, I was wearing leggings and a tight t-shirt. And I literally had curves and a butt and a belly AND I didn’t flinch or feel scared. But instead I put my hand on my belly and rubbed it lovingly. As I looked in the mirror I sort of didn’t recognize the person staring back at me. But I thought she looked good and healthy and content. What an unusual and wonderful feeling for me. I’ve noticed my stomach more lately, the roundness and the softness there. And I find myself touching it and being okay about it. Much in the same way, during the worst of my ED, when I used to get pings of excitement feeling my hipbones and seeing my ribs jutting out.

I’ve also noticed the difference in my skin. No longer smooth and silky. Yet still strong enough to power my body to run miles, and lift heavy things. My hair has more gray each day and my face more lines and crinkles, proof of a life filled with laughter and tears. My mind knows age is just a number, but every once in a while my body is reminding me in other ways. I see a picture of me from 20 years ago and she looks almost like a child, unaware of all the life that is still ahead.

Another thing I am noticing is that food is becoming less interesting to me. Now don’t get me wrong, I still like to eat, but it no longer matters that it has to be the “perfect meal” (whatever that even meant.) Sometimes it just needs to be food, fuel, energy. Filling, satisfying and preferably tasty. Making dinner used to feel like a fun adventure and then at some point it started to feel more like a chore. The decisions, the shopping, the cooking (often after cooking all day for work.) So now it is just something that I need to do. To feed myself and my partner, and it is okay if some nights it’s a frozen pizza, a bowl of cereal or a fried egg on toast if that is all I have the energy and desire for. And if I want a PopTart for dessert or a snack, I can actually enjoy it. I can buy ice cream and keep it in the freezer and actually forget it is in there. Some of you reading this are probably thinking, “whatever, big deal!” But for someone who has struggled for many years with an ED this is life changing.

I will begin again as a woman that is incredibly grateful and proud for how far she has come in facing the demons and thoughts that have lived inside her mind, but who no longer has time for them. When an ED thought pops into my brain these days, (which happens) I can greet the thought and “calmly” ignore it. Letting her know she is no longer needed. Thank you for your service, but I have found more helpful friends.

Thank you for being here with me today and reading my ramblings. Please let me know if you liked today’s post by tapping the “heart”as it helps more people find me! Or you can add a comment if anything in particular resonated with you. I always enjoy hearing from you! I am so incredibly grateful for all of my readers and subscribers. All of your likes, comments, and notes are truly an inspiration to me!