Dry January thoughts

Yes, I know it's almost March... but here we go...

Okay, so maybe I’m late to the party. Or maybe I just decided I finally wanted to check out this party. I’ve never been one to follow the crowd. This January I decided to jump on the Dry January train. So why? Did I think I had a “drinking problem?”  No. Was I a big drinker? Also no. Do I enjoy a glass of wine while making dinner most nights? Yes. Do I drink to get drunk, relax, unwind? No. Maybe. Maybe. Do I enjoy the taste of alcohol? Yes.

So yes, I decided that I would try to see how I felt not having any alcohol for a month. Spoiler alert. I felt pretty awesome and learned a few things about myself in the process. Always a good thing. I learned that a lot of what I enjoyed about my glass of wine while making dinner was the “habit” of it. And I certainly know that habits can be hard to break, (ie. A 20+ year eating disorder) and also hard to start a new habit. But it is a process and I have done both things successfully over the years.

Over 30 years ago I quit a 15 year smoking habit. And now I can’t imagine having a cigarette again. Why? Because smoking no longer appeals to me; the smell, the health costs, not to mention the $$$ costs. At the time though, cigarettes served a purpose (or maybe actually a few purposes.)

What about a habit I started? Being active! It started with mountain biking and then became running and now it is simply moving my body. (Ok, maybe running is still my favorite habit.) Sure that habit can become an obsession or something negative depending on the reason behind it. But I honestly feel so much better when I move my body whether that is running, walking, swimming, yoga. It clears my mind and brings me joy.

Okay, so back to the “drinking habit?” I am totally aware that for me going for one month without drinking alcohol is not an amazing feat or breaking a habit. I am also aware that for some people going for one month without alcohol might be  a “HUGE” thing. I am not trying to minimize OR exaggerate what I did. Just examine.

Maybe you are curious how I approached the project. Well, knowing myself and habit setting and habit breaking , it is helpful for me to substitute things. An example is way back when I quit smoking I decided I needed to substitute my morning cup of coffee (that always went with a cigarette.) So I started to drink, get this…. Dr Pepper soda! Okay, maybe not the healthiest option but it worked. Granted. That alone didn’t stop me from wanting a cigarette, but I noticed that not having that first one made it easier throughout the day. Then I decided to add in movement and became a big fan of mountain biking. Really hard to keep a cigarette lit while mountain biking! My body decided that it liked feeling better and cigarettes became less interesting. (And luckily afterwards I was able to stop drinking Dr. Pepper fairly easily.)

So when  I decided I wanted to try “Dry January” I knew I needed a plan, so that it wasn’t feeling like punishment, or missing something. So I decided instead of my glass of wine while making dinner I would bring in some substitutes. I already drink a ridiculous amount of sparkling water and NA beer so I knew I needed something different. So I tried a few of the new NA cocktails made with botanicals (gin and tonic, margarita) and found them a  nice, refreshing change yet a bit more interesting than sparkling water. But then I hit on my magic elixir! A bit of tart cherry juice mixed with either tonic water or ginger beer. So tasty! And the tartness of the cherry satisfied in a similar way that a glass of red wine did. The first few nights I kinda missed the calm, light buzz that the wine would bring, But honestly, after a few days I did not miss the buzz, and the juice really gave me a calm relaxed feeling as well. It’s almost like I tricked my mind and my body. Tart cherry juice also happens to be an anti-inflammatory and really good for recovery and muscles, so I felt like I was not only trading one habit for another, but trading it for a a beneficial one as well. As a runner, recovery is so important!

What else did I notice? Well, I was definitely sleeping better. I’ve always fallen asleep easily, but often when I wake up a few hours later to pee, I have a hard time falling back asleep. Without drinking I found that when I got up and came back to bed, most of the time I was able to fall right back to sleep. And getting up in the morning felt much easier too. Not that I was waking up with a hangover or anything before. But now I was finding myself more alert first thing. And how about my running. Again, it just felt easier and I seem to recover quicker from my longer or harder workouts.

It is now almost the third, (ok fourth, by the time I hit publish on this) week of February and I have still not really felt like drinking. Well, with the exception of my birthday dinner. We went out with some friends for dinner at a local brew pub and a beer sounded good with tacos. So I had it, but then switched to water and that was perfect. Since then I still haven’t felt any strong cravings, but did enjoy having the celebratory drink.

Another thought came to me the other day as I was thinking about my experiment and what my future relationship with alcohol might look like. And of course, like all things in my life it brought me back to my eating disorder behaviors. I had so many rules and restrictions on what I could and couldn’t eat. I needed to control so much, which ironically, I was the one being controlled and not really controlling anything! I completely lost touch with what hunger felt like, as I was usually always hungry. And I was so good (or maybe not) at denying my cravings and desires, afraid that if I gave in that I would never stop.

I don’t have that same relationship with alcohol. While I enjoyed the glass or two of wine, a cocktail, a few beers now and again, I never felt that I couldn’t “control” things. There is that word again. I never felt that I wanted to finish the entire bottle of wine the way I used to finish an entire carton of ice cream. Yet still, the idea of maybe setting rules surrounding alcohol started to really bother me. The old me might have said that deciding to no longer drink again is healthy for me because of all the positives that I experience in the monthlong experiment. Yet having rules about food or drink just brings my head back to the place of my eating disorder mind. Maybe it doesn’t make sense to those of you with a “normal” brain but I have spent sooooooo many years thinking about what I was eating, planning to eat, not eating, that it is simply exhausting. That is another reason that I no longer call myself vegetarian. Again, that label is telling my brain that we need to control things and I am denying what my body may be craving or needing. I am not saying that if you call yourself a vegetarian or a vegan or chose to be sober that you are doing anything wrong. Not at all. I am saying that for my mind and my body it is not a healthy practice.

It is hard to explain how freeing it feels to honor my cravings in a healthy vs. unhealthy way. And to actually listen to my body instead of telling it how it “should” be feeling. And what it should eat or drink or do. I can actually buy a cookie and eat a few bites and put it away for later, or decide that I actually don’t want the cookie. That may seem soooooo small but believe me it is really huge.

For years, although I may have appeared to be a “normal” eater, my ED brain was always working overtime. Surprisingly, or maybe not so surprising, one of the things that has truly pulled me out of my ED brain has been my running, more specifically running long distances. I have come to realize that running nourishes my soul and that I need to nourish myself with food as well. I’ve often heard the expression “It’s not about the food” but sometimes it kind of is too.

And once again, here we are back again at the eating disorder. Wasn’t this post supposed to be about Dry January? I have a feeling that it will find its way into much of my writing as it has been a part of my life and identity for many years. But now I sort of look at it (her?) as an “old friend” that was in my life but no longer is needed. And as for Damp February, it has gone pretty well and we will see what March brings. But for now I am enjoying the more intentional relationship I have with alcohol. Seems like the next obvious thing……

How about you? Any Dry January experiments? Any eating disorder thoughts?