I dunno at 50 I’m still kinda white knuckles. Running has definitely helped. Really as long as I don’t stray from my list of 20 things that are deemed “ok” by some terrible universal force i don’t think about it too much anymore, but it’s all a mixed up part of who I am now. Never have gone out to dinner or had popcorn at a movie as an adult. Haven’t had a cookie in 40 some years. The monkey on my shoulder for sure but at least it’s in my shoulder and not right in my face…..mostly 😬. Thanks for giving me some hope❤️
Awww man, I feel for you. This illness is so misunderstood and so hard, I hope you can keep moving forward and keep reaching out for help. It is never too late to get to a better place. And I really hope you get to eat the cookie. Sending love <3
I've had this up for quite some time meaning to comment. "I don’t look in the mirror and think “my stomach could be a little flatter, my butt could be smaller.” Now when I see photos of me I think, “wow, I look really skinny in that picture.” But not in a good way. So why then do I stay looking like this. That’s when I realize that this really is a mental illness. Why else would I continue to keep looking this way and hating it, but not able to change my thoughts. It’s like my brain has been responding a certain way for so long that is all it knows how to do."
I relate to that sentiment and experience more than I can say. thank you for putting it into words. I often reflect on the same - ''it's like my brain has been responding a certain way for so long that it is all it knows how to do." Like the automatic thought never really goes away, I think just our reaction to the thought does.
Thanks Lindsey, for taking the time to read and your heartfelt comment. I am so glad the conversation around eating disorders is happening more and more, and just trying do my little part in keeping it real and sharing my experience. It's been quite profound how many women can relate. And thank you for your work in the field as well.
Ali, this is brave and beautiful. I loved seeing the shift in perspective as you have aged and how these illnesses continue to haunt us even when we are healthy. I was lucky to never to have an ED, just despair at not meeting the impossible beauty/body standards for women, but this resonates for me too. You are a survivor with a lot of wisdom to share.
Thank you so much Pia! So grateful for your feedback. Trying to be more honest in the writing gets easier as we do it more, and thanks to our little writing group it's happening more, and what an awesome group of ladies we have!
This resonates so much with me! I'm glad that you shared. I haven't had help with my recoveries, learning of others ED journeys & recoveries makes me feel not so alone "in that world".
From what I know & read, there are two train of thoughts: 1- one can recover from ED 2- you don't recover, you just learn how to manage it. At first I was in the first camp, thinking "heck, that's a thing of the past" until my youngest once asked me a question about my food choices. It made me stop & realize how ED was still present in my life just (much more) controlled.
But, most definitely as much a psychological disorder (if not more) as it is physical.
I hope you keep sharing Ali! I love to read you... and doing hard things is what brings meaning to our lives.
Thank you so much Cindy! There has been so much silence and shame about this illness that I feel I need to share, especially at this point in my life. I'm so glad that you find it resonates with you. I really appreciate you and am so grateful that we connected and so thankful for all the kindness you've shown me. And thank you for reading my words!!!
Ali, it takes so much courage to share the hard things and open up candidly to the world. You can do hard things. But not just that, you have done hard things and experienced hard things. I’m so grateful that you are where you are in your journey and that you chose to share your truth to help others. You are amazing friend!
Ali, thanks for sharing. In my various "recoveries," I have found that it helps to remember that we are all living our lives as best we can; we are never quite fully formed. And whatever is happening today will likely not be what's happening tomorrow. Keep Growing!
I’m glad you are feeling recovered. And it’s great to read about your running and general on-top-of-things vibe.
You hit the nail on the head. Drug addicts can stop smoking, or alcohol, or other substances and walk away from it. But we all need food. So there’s no escape from that trigger, ever.
As a “recovered” binge eater, I can’t trust my intuition when it comes to food. My subconscious mind might trick me, emotions get tangled up in there, it’s a bit of a mess. When I’m stressed, I will eat. It still happens, just not a full-on outbreak. Because like you said, we all have to eat. So the trigger is always around.
Thanks Tim. So glad it resonated with you and glad you are able to keep it in perspective. It's all such a process. Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment.
I dunno at 50 I’m still kinda white knuckles. Running has definitely helped. Really as long as I don’t stray from my list of 20 things that are deemed “ok” by some terrible universal force i don’t think about it too much anymore, but it’s all a mixed up part of who I am now. Never have gone out to dinner or had popcorn at a movie as an adult. Haven’t had a cookie in 40 some years. The monkey on my shoulder for sure but at least it’s in my shoulder and not right in my face…..mostly 😬. Thanks for giving me some hope❤️
Awww man, I feel for you. This illness is so misunderstood and so hard, I hope you can keep moving forward and keep reaching out for help. It is never too late to get to a better place. And I really hope you get to eat the cookie. Sending love <3
I've had this up for quite some time meaning to comment. "I don’t look in the mirror and think “my stomach could be a little flatter, my butt could be smaller.” Now when I see photos of me I think, “wow, I look really skinny in that picture.” But not in a good way. So why then do I stay looking like this. That’s when I realize that this really is a mental illness. Why else would I continue to keep looking this way and hating it, but not able to change my thoughts. It’s like my brain has been responding a certain way for so long that is all it knows how to do."
I relate to that sentiment and experience more than I can say. thank you for putting it into words. I often reflect on the same - ''it's like my brain has been responding a certain way for so long that it is all it knows how to do." Like the automatic thought never really goes away, I think just our reaction to the thought does.
big hug, thanks for this. It's nice to relate <3
Thanks Lindsey, for taking the time to read and your heartfelt comment. I am so glad the conversation around eating disorders is happening more and more, and just trying do my little part in keeping it real and sharing my experience. It's been quite profound how many women can relate. And thank you for your work in the field as well.
Ali, this is brave and beautiful. I loved seeing the shift in perspective as you have aged and how these illnesses continue to haunt us even when we are healthy. I was lucky to never to have an ED, just despair at not meeting the impossible beauty/body standards for women, but this resonates for me too. You are a survivor with a lot of wisdom to share.
Thank you so much Pia! So grateful for your feedback. Trying to be more honest in the writing gets easier as we do it more, and thanks to our little writing group it's happening more, and what an awesome group of ladies we have!
writing can be so freeing, a release. so glad you shared this part of your journey, and how you continue to rise above it! Hugs and love!
Thanks Bethy! For your continued support, encouragement and mostly friendship!
This resonates so much with me! I'm glad that you shared. I haven't had help with my recoveries, learning of others ED journeys & recoveries makes me feel not so alone "in that world".
From what I know & read, there are two train of thoughts: 1- one can recover from ED 2- you don't recover, you just learn how to manage it. At first I was in the first camp, thinking "heck, that's a thing of the past" until my youngest once asked me a question about my food choices. It made me stop & realize how ED was still present in my life just (much more) controlled.
But, most definitely as much a psychological disorder (if not more) as it is physical.
I hope you keep sharing Ali! I love to read you... and doing hard things is what brings meaning to our lives.
Thank you so much Cindy! There has been so much silence and shame about this illness that I feel I need to share, especially at this point in my life. I'm so glad that you find it resonates with you. I really appreciate you and am so grateful that we connected and so thankful for all the kindness you've shown me. And thank you for reading my words!!!
So insightfully and truthfully expressed. I love reading your journey.
Thank you Paula! Our little writing group has really helped me and I'm so grateful for the support and feedback!
Ali, it takes so much courage to share the hard things and open up candidly to the world. You can do hard things. But not just that, you have done hard things and experienced hard things. I’m so grateful that you are where you are in your journey and that you chose to share your truth to help others. You are amazing friend!
Thanks Courtney and back atcha! The older I get the more important honesty is becoming!
Ali, thanks for sharing. In my various "recoveries," I have found that it helps to remember that we are all living our lives as best we can; we are never quite fully formed. And whatever is happening today will likely not be what's happening tomorrow. Keep Growing!
Wisely said Isiah!
I’m glad you are feeling recovered. And it’s great to read about your running and general on-top-of-things vibe.
You hit the nail on the head. Drug addicts can stop smoking, or alcohol, or other substances and walk away from it. But we all need food. So there’s no escape from that trigger, ever.
As a “recovered” binge eater, I can’t trust my intuition when it comes to food. My subconscious mind might trick me, emotions get tangled up in there, it’s a bit of a mess. When I’m stressed, I will eat. It still happens, just not a full-on outbreak. Because like you said, we all have to eat. So the trigger is always around.
Thanks Tim. So glad it resonated with you and glad you are able to keep it in perspective. It's all such a process. Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment.
Thank you for sharing your experience so honestly. It’s wonderful to see the shift in your thinking over time. EDs are so hard.
Thank you, Heather. It's definitely been a process. And often so hard for others to understand. Hoping my honesty helps someone.
EDs are rarely hard. Oh, oh, that's not the ED you're talking about! Sorry!
I love the format of this, from 10 years ago to now. So proud of you Ali, how far you’ve come, and love your beautiful, strong heart!
Thank you friend! Proud of you as well.
Thank you for sharing this, Ali. You have done so many hard things, and will continue to do them. Always cheering for you!
Thank you Lisa!
There are so many things to be impressed by in this article, but I’ll just point to how beautifully and honestly you express your self.
Thank you, Barry. That really means a lot coming from you.
Way to go Ali! I’m so glad you’re doing better now. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks Sarah!