Messy middles

When we last met (on the page) I left you with a cliffhanger… so now a quick update and as always, some thoughts. Yes, the MRI showed a stress reaction (gentler term but basically the same as a fracture) but I am no longer feeling any pain… (knocking on wood as I type.)

These past few weeks of not running, then running, then not running has been quite the roller coaster. And as a result I felt like my thoughts couldn’t flow if my body was not flowing. I was having such a hard time sitting down and letting my thoughts out. All that was happening was that I wrote more about not running and that is as boring as it is to keep writing about my eating disorder. Which speaking of mine, has NOT really appeared in the last few weeks. I think I might be wearing it down. I have no real appetite most of the time, and could care less about what I am eating. But I AM EATING. I am on a protein kick (as that is supposed to be best for healing my sad bones) so I literally drink at least a protein and collagen shake every day, never say no to a bagel, cottage cheese is my bedtime snack and a can of sardines on top of a salad or rice or pasta is a good enough dinner. (Note: that is not my entire day’s calories….)

So is that a bad thing that my writing seems to rely on my running? And I don’t mean writing about running. (Although I know that’s a lot of what I write about here.) Just getting the words and thoughts moving, without spiraling. Writers block seems to have been literally stuck in my body someplace. I’m not really sure where in my body it is or if that’s even a thing. I have also come to realize how much I TRULY love and appreciate my ability to be able to move my body in a sport I love so much. I actually heard a podcast interview with Kilian Korth, an amazing ultra runner (and Substacker), who is currently recovering from ankle surgery, and is not able to run, and a lot of what he said really resonated with me.

“It’s hard to write when I don’t feel like myself. And what makes me feel like myself? Running.”

“I’m not going to have this (running) for a while, but how good will it be when I get to do it again.”

At the same time the longing to do the thing, but also gratitude that I have this activity that I love so much!”

And yet here I am and suddenly the words are flowing again. I had a visit with an incredible Orthopedic doctor who gave me encouraging news on my XRAY and MRI and the fact that I am pain free. Things are healing! As well as those magic 4 words…. Return to run plan.

Give me a good plan and I will follow it. When I was recovering from eye surgery (you can read that recovery adventure here,) the instructions and recovery were BRUTAL, but I followed them to the letter. And I came out with my vision, wonky as it is. There is something about being in the middle place, whether it’s running or writing that is so hard. The messy middle, not the middle where everything is flowing and you can see or imagine the finish. But the middle where you have no plan, no answers, no idea where your story is going (on the page or in real life.) I mean that’s why they call it messy, right? So now that I am in the middle and have a plan everything feels lighter. It’s still going to be a long road. It will still feel messy and uncomfortable sometimes. Will I be running 100 miles in October? No but that is okay. I’m in it for the long game. I want to be running as long as my body will let me.

Runner at rest

This week I was reminded of a saying I had heard before, and saw it in 2 different places, at different times, so I believe in the power that it was there to remind me.

“Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.”

― John Lennon

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