Step into my mind

How is it that just when you think you are in the best part of recovery and feeling “recovered”, life decides to give you another chance to prove it. I had just written my last Substack about how I was feeling in body lately and the “control” I felt over my eating disorder thoughts and wouldn’t you know it. Those thoughts must have felt really threatened and angry, because they have gotten louder and more persistent over the last few weeks. I have been able to recognize them and fight them. But let me tell you. It is TRULY exhausting and the struggle is real. If this has proven anything to me about eating disorders and recovery and mental health, it is that the ED is not just about body image (if even at all these days!), at least not in the same way it was when I was in my teens and twenties. But what has happened is my brain has learned one way to cope and it doesn’t like when that way is challenged or especially when it is taken away. I’ll try to explain. Bear with me. Or don’t and move on with your day.

It’s been over a month since I have gone on a run. After my last race down in VA I thought I was just dealing with a prolonged DOMS (delayed onset muscle soreness, for the non runners out there). Basically, just being sore longer than usual. And it wasn’t just running. Walking wasn’t feeling great either. So after a week off, I attempted a run and the pain shooting through my whole right side was not good. So what did I do. I cut things short at 5 miles (classic dumb move.) I got home and made an appointment with Dr. Google and found that I have every possible injury except maybe shin splints (haha!) I was able to get an appointment later in the week with local Physical Therapist and maybe I would get some real answers. He did an exam and asked about pain levels, which is not really helpful when you are dealing with an endurance athlete. I say the pain is a 3, but for a regular person it would be a 6, and then he suggested then it was probably an 8. I’ll spare all the details, but he gave me a few exercises to do (most of which I was ALREADY doing, and to come back in a week. He also suggested not running for a few days and to give it a try before my next visit. I actually listened to him, and the pain was lessened while walking (and working), as my day job means I am on my feet all day and lifting heavy things, so that was good. The day before my visit I decided to go for a short run to see how things felt. As soon as my right leg took a step the pain was back. Did I stop and go home? Of course not. Maybe it would get better as I warmed up. But of course it did not. I did only go 3 miles this time, so that was improvement on my part.

In the meantime, I continued my relationship with Dr. Google, as well as had an online consult with another physical therapist who specializes in master’s athletes and runners. All the while feeling that this was something more than muscle soreness, but hoping that I was wrong. From all the symptoms, as well as my osteoporosis diagnosis, both PTs felt that it was possible that it was a Bone Stress Injury, and the pain was being referred to other parts of my body. Of course Dr. Google had suggested this as well, but I was not putting my faith in him. They both suggested an MRI as it was the only way to really diagnose this. For anyone familiar with the medical system, you know how easy that is to schedule…. Long story long. I got one scheduled….. a month out….4 weeks after 4 weeks of pain. I drove home from the office and I my feelings jumped from anger to sadness to fear and back to numbness over the course of a 10 minute drive.

So what does this all have to do with eating disorder recovery you might be wondering. Well, for those who know me (or have read my work here) running has become a huge part of my identity now. No, I am NOT a professional runner (by a loooooong shot!) But it has become a part of my identity, my recovery process and my mental health. It’s not just endorphins. The feeling running gives my brain and body is not something I have been able to find in any other way. Throughout these weeks I have been getting out for long walks and hikes, as long as the leg has said it is okay. I am trying to remain grateful for being able to move my body at all, compared to when I had my eye injury and was couch bound for months.) And although I am grateful and enjoying my walks there is something missing. For one thing, running long distances makes me hungry, and so my hunger signals actually get turned on. One thing I have learned in recovery is that my hunger signals are not to be trusted. Sometimes I just need to eat because it is time. But running has actually helped those signals get activated. When I am NOT running my mind tends to spiral and spin and I feel much less grounded. The air sign of Aquarius definitely needs some grounding energy. For me that has become running.

What I have also noticed over the last few weeks is the shift from anger (why is my body betraying me? I thought I was doing everything right? damn osteoporosis and eating disorder!) to sadness (missing my running friends, my running snacks, and just the sadness of missing events that were on the calendar that I’m not able to do.) But what I have really been noticing is the connection between not running and my stomach being in knots, my mind swirling, my heart racing, and my anxiety trying to control things. Ah, there’s the word. Control. Like we are ever in control of anything. But boy does the ED brain NOT like when things are out of control. And here is where the exhaustion part comes in. I’ll try to explain it best I can, for those with regular brains.

I think my brain has really just learned to calm my mind by calming my body.

And what has calmed my body instead of my ED has been running, so when the running is taken away the brain is not sure what to do. It is trying to bring back what it knows but it’s not working efficiently. I am spending too much time arguing with it. Forcing it to eat when it says “I’m not hungry.” And I say “I don’t care if you think that.” This ED no longer has to do with body image, and truly, maybe it never did. Who really knows. What I do know is how exhausting and utterly boring it is.

my views are still stunning

So as we sit here and wait for an MRI that may or may not tell me good news. I am just going to behave as if I have bone stress injury and do all I can to heal it. I am going to be grateful for the pain-free walks and work days. What that means most, is feeding my body lots of calories and lots of protein and learning how to calm my mind some other way than running or listening to my old friend ED. Maybe it is this. Writing hard things. Sharing hard things with others. Yes, I can do hard things, like run 100 miles, but I can also do hard things that don’t require a single step.

Thank you for being here with me today and reading my ramblings. Please let me know if you liked today’s post by tapping the “heart”as it helps more people find me! Or you can add a comment if anything in particular resonated with you. I always enjoy hearing from you! I am so incredibly grateful for all of my readers and subscribers. All of your likes, comments, and notes are truly an inspiration to me!

homemade waffles with the season’s first strawberries is reason to be grateful!